Awaken the Father King with Mark Guay

[00:00:00] Speaker A: This podcast is brought to you by MHA of Dutchess county and produced by CMJW Entertainment. [00:00:06] Speaker B: You're listening to the vital women of Washington Heights. Hello, everyone. My name is Yvette o' Sullivan, and today my guest co host is Connor Walsh from Walsh Wednesday. My regular co host is on vacation, Iris Douglas. We miss you. And we have our wonderful guest, Mark Guy here with us today. [00:00:34] Speaker C: Great to be here. [00:00:35] Speaker D: Welcome. Thank you. Thanks for having me. [00:00:37] Speaker B: You're welcome. [00:00:38] Speaker A: And good to see you again. We really recorded something else. [00:00:42] Speaker D: Great to be back. Yep. [00:00:43] Speaker B: So, Mark, I always like to start with a bochinche. I know you've been to Dominican Republic, and I don't know if you get the concept of what a bochinche is. It's basically gossip. But I don't use it as gossip. I use it as a moment to educate our audience and to educate our guests. So I do research and. [00:01:02] Speaker D: Oh, geez, I'm sweating already. [00:01:04] Speaker B: All right, well, it's not research on you. What I. I like to always connect our show to my Dominican culture and Irish Dominican culture as well. [00:01:15] Speaker D: Did you bring the Mangu or. [00:01:16] Speaker B: I did not bring the Mangu today. Next time, Next time, Next time. I don't cook much anymore. My kids are grown and I'm done in the kitchen. Oh, I just realized there is a great restaurant in Hopewell that serves mangu. Oh, I can't recall the name, but okay. [00:01:31] Speaker D: That's right. [00:01:32] Speaker B: Maybe I can provide it to you after the show. [00:01:34] Speaker D: Sure. [00:01:35] Speaker B: So in doing the research, more men in Dominican Republic are open to mental health, to looking into themselves, to trying to find out how to be better husbands, better fathers, better son sons, which I was excited when I found out. The stigma is changing because many years ago, men were more like, you know, the machismo. And I'm the leader of the house. And that's it. You can't question it. At least that was my experience growing up. I'm excited to know that the new generation is looking within themselves so that they can change. So I wanted to share that with you. [00:02:15] Speaker D: Thanks for sharing that. I'm glad to hear that. What do you think is. What do you think's caused that? [00:02:20] Speaker B: I'm not quite sure what caused that. That's an interesting question. Maybe it's the economy. Maybe is the new government. Maybe it's the pressure of having so much responsibility put on them. So I'm not sure. Looking into. [00:02:41] Speaker D: Yeah, I'm always curious, what is the thing that gives men permission? You know, what gets them to say, this is okay. And it could be just a. You know, it's that positive peer pressure. It could be a celebrity or someone or a sports figure that says it's okay or something else. But, yeah, I'm always curious, what are those cultural things that propel people to say, yeah, it's time. I'm able to do this. It's okay to do this. It's normal to do this. It's normal to have a therapist. It's normal to say, you know, actually, I'm not doing so great today, you know, so, yeah, thanks for sharing that. [00:03:16] Speaker A: I think that's actually a really good transition to one of the questions that Iris wanted to leave. This is for you, Iris. You know, you're talking about permission right now. What gives men permission? But one thing that she wanted to ask you, what gave you the permission to find it within yourself and manifest your unlimited power? [00:03:36] Speaker D: Yeah, good question. So I'll answer it this way. Pain. Quite honestly. And I think that's very common. Very, you know, very intense period. Dark nights of the soul. My wife got very sick. You know, we kind of did the thing right. We went to college, we got our degrees, we both got very secure jobs that we absolutely loved. And then my wife got really sick, and it was one doctor after another where it was, you know, okay, I have the. I know what's going to happen. And then six months later, nothing got better. Oh, next doctor. I know what. This is what we're going to do. And the medical bills, you know, just got even. Even more intense. And. And it was several years of that, and then here I am pushing around in a wheelchair, and just, you know, and. And I'm driving around at night, and I'm putting my hand. It's, you know, the middle of New York, and I'm putting my hand out the window to. To feel the pain because I was so numb. And at. And. And at those. At that point, I go, okay, there's something going on here. You know, I started noticing I'm driving quicker around the corners, you know, on a. On an. On an icy cold day. And I go, wait a minute, this. There's some. There's something going on here. And, you know, I was an English teacher at the time, so I, you know, had a. And I was running a podcast as well, and having really amazing conversations with men throughout the world, and picked up a book, and the book was called to be a Man by Robert Augustus Masters. Good book. My buddy Tyson, he and I both read it, and we started diving into men's work ourselves. And it opened up this whole body of work that until then I was unaware of. You know, he was going through his own journey, I was going through mine. And he and I started connecting and we started meeting other men. And it kind of grew from there. But at first it was just me literally in hall duty at Ketchum High School, reading a book called to be a Man and noticing that a lot of other men are going, what are you doing? Reading a book called to be a Man. And that immediately poked, you know, poked the way because the cultural bear of, you know, all the shaming language. But that's what gave me permission. It was a dark night. I've always been an optimist at its core, going, there's got to be something that comes out of this. But it was deep pain. And then, you know, one conversation, one book led to me beginning a journey that I'm so grateful I went and, you know, wish it wasn't as so painful at the beginning, but sometimes a great journey requires you to walk through thorns. [00:06:12] Speaker A: Yeah, pain is a great motivator. And it's really interesting what you said there. I want to really acknowledge what you're saying about putting your hand down in the cold just to feel something. You know, I can. Kept throwing song lines at you the last time we talked. I'm going to throw another one at you. Google Iris lead. Just to know I'm alive. And it's that kind of sense that you had there. [00:06:37] Speaker D: Yeah, well, that's. That's the thing is. And that's something that comes up a lot. Right. So the. When I use the term men's work and I'm. I'm not. I think women's work would also fall under this. It. [00:06:46] Speaker C: To. [00:06:46] Speaker D: The way I see it is it's actually a remembering process and it's a resensitizing process because you are becoming more aware. For you to be able to tears flow through, you have to not only have the inner permission to do so, the inner authority we'll talk about later to do so, but you also need to have your subtle, energetic body to be able to do that. You know, if you're not in the. Just like with. With working out, you know, if you don't go to the gym, you're not going to be able to lift weight. If you don't practice feeling your emotion, it's going to be really, really challenging to do that. And so for most men, that's one of the first gates they have to walk through is to be able to cry and to Actually feel the tears flow through. Not in this way of, like, you know, one tear and like, oh, and then. And then, of course, this is. This always happens. I'm crying right now. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're feeling the tip of the iceberg. Yeah. So for most men, it requires, you know, a big moment, an intense amount of pressure for them to be able to. All of a sudden, tears are flowing through. And if they're surrounded by the right people, this is where community really. If they're surrounded by the right people, that is going to be a permissioning. That's going to allow that to come through, and it's not going to have these big bottlenecks, you know, because for a man, like, one of my favorite phrases is never trust a man who can't grieve. [00:08:12] Speaker B: Oh, I love that. [00:08:13] Speaker D: Yeah, that's very profound. Yeah, it's Melodoma Patrice Soma's work in, I believe, West Africa. Don't quote me on that. But his work is phenomenal. And, yeah, in his culture, it's never trust a man who can't grieve, you know, and. Because that's a man who doesn't know how to access his power, and it's going to leak out in other ways, whether it's through aggression or through porn, we'll talk about in a little bit. But a man who allows the power to flow through him, energy and motion is emotion. [00:08:40] Speaker B: That's. [00:08:40] Speaker D: That's. That's powerful. So first gate is to be able to do that, you know, so to bleed. I bleed to know that I'm alive. A lot of men have to do that because the pressure that they're under all the time is. I don't have time to feel. You know, I think you both could agree with that. When you feel. It's. It's really hard to feel immensely and really feel the moment and really get into it. And then, oh, I got another meeting I got to go into. [00:09:03] Speaker B: Right, right. [00:09:04] Speaker D: No, that. That doesn't work. [00:09:06] Speaker B: It doesn't matter. [00:09:06] Speaker D: That's the way our culture is designed. So that's why, you know, And I can get into a deeper aspect here, but that's the first gate. And I love that quote. I bleed to know that I'm. That's what I was doing there, to be able to feel. Because I couldn't cry. I was so, so, so numb at the time. [00:09:21] Speaker A: Yeah, there were moments for me, you're talking about that permission and talk about kind of reviving the senses. There are moments where I was so wanting to cry. And there were moments where I'm trying to give myself permission but my mind was there but my body was still trained not to. And it was just like. And this was years ago. This was years ago by the way, but I do remember this was like, I just want to cry. I just want to let this out. I just have all this in me. I just need to let this out. And my body couldn't do it yet. It was still the muscle memory of holding it in and it was a tough thing to get over. So I just think that's very profound and I don't think I will ever forget that quote that you just said about don't trust a man who can't grieve. [00:10:04] Speaker D: That's fantastic. [00:10:05] Speaker A: I'm sorry, I don't mean to cut you off on your own show. This is. [00:10:08] Speaker B: No, no, Connor, I appreciate you co hosting with me today and having Mark because I want to understand more what men go through and I've seen them trying to handle pain and like you said, you know, they keep stuffing it and not feeling it and just going about their day. But then I've also seen how destroyed they end and then not realizing what caused that breakdown. And you just described it so beautifully. And thank you so much for asking the questions that you asked because it brought more clarification to me because we, you know, in this world we have male and female and I think a lot of the times pointing the finger at each other doesn't help. I think we need to have a much better partnership of understanding who we are as a woman, as a man and working together to nourish each other and to build on that strength. [00:11:08] Speaker D: Yeah, absolutely. [00:11:10] Speaker B: But you design the inner method. Can you tell me what that is all about? [00:11:15] Speaker C: Sure. [00:11:15] Speaker D: The inner authority method. Yeah, it's a, you know, I work as a leadership coach, right. So I, I always think about what's a, what's a simple mnemonic to help, to help one make the right steps in their life. So the inner authority method for me is, is to help men and others in leadership positions step into a self authoring mind and, and it with identify your driver. So it's I am identify your driver. Activate your breath, make the. Make the right move. And I can break those down just a little bit more, but identify your driver. We all have parts of us that take over, right. Whether it's an anxious part or a manager part that's like you got to control the time or I got to look good. I need to look professional, whatever. We have these parts of ourselves that sort of take the helm, I call it, we have an inner board of directors. And so identifying your driver is really knowing who's the driver that's showing up today. So getting really clear about that and that takes, that, that takes a process. But when you're able to know, oh, this is who's showing up today, okay, great, you can build a relationship with them, but they don't take the helm. They don't, they don't, they don't take the control of the ship. You as a CEO, you do. Right? Activate your breath. I developed a thing called the seven dimensional breath Breathing practice that is a really powerful somatic practice to do within five minutes. That helps you get clear, helps, helps you stand in your power move is what's the laughably easy step that you need to take to do the thing that you need to do that you're avoiding? Because we all have those things. [00:12:39] Speaker B: We all have those. [00:12:39] Speaker D: Right. And if you're in the leadership position, it's often, you know, we pay attention to fires and we do this at home too. We pay attention to the fires at home, we pay attention to the fires at work, but we often avoid the bigger, more strategic things that we do need to focus on. So that's what the inner authority method is. And it really helps one take the right steps that they need to take to do the things that they need to do to become the person that they want to be. [00:13:02] Speaker B: Okay, thank you. [00:13:03] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:13:05] Speaker B: So with talking about the inner authority method. [00:13:10] Speaker D: Sure. [00:13:11] Speaker B: Where does mental health fall into place with men in general that are not in an executive leadership position? What kind of work have you done just with regular, let's say, everyday guy? [00:13:24] Speaker D: Yeah, absolutely. So it's what I'll say to that is our grouping is really important, but the groups that we were raised in, they, they condition us to, to believe to and act in, in certain ways. Right. And so the inner authority method is just one way. It's just a framework that I've created to help people step into a self authoring mind. But at first, you know, if you don't, if you don't have the right culture, if you don't have the right people that give you permission to do the things that you need to do, it's going to be really hard. So the inner authority method helps you step into your own permission, giving yourself your own permission. What do I mean by that for the everyday man? Most men don't have a powerful, positive father role model that's so True. That's because the father role model has been gone for a long time. And I said this to Connor the other day, a lot of adult men, or just adults in general, are adolescents wrapped in adult skin. They haven't actually really matured and developed into, you know, true adults. And I can go more into what that means. But most people are acting out of a socialized mind. It's. They're doing the thing because either this is what their family said to do, this is what the religion said to do, it's what their government said to do. It's really hard when you come up with, well, here's actually what I want to do. First of all, getting to know that is really challenging. [00:14:42] Speaker B: How do you start to unpack that. [00:14:44] Speaker D: That identify the drivers? What are all the parts of me that I'll just say in summary right now, but we can go more into detail. But you become aware, you meet your driver, you go, wait a second. Well, what? Like, let's just say. Let's just say right now what I would have assume is probably happening for all of us, we want to look good, we want to sound good. Right? [00:15:03] Speaker B: Right. [00:15:03] Speaker D: I know. I know that I can. I can. I'm aware of that part of me. I'm sure you. You too. It would make sense to be normal if you both do. So what's the fear? What's the fear if we don't look good or sound good? Oh, people are going to think that I'm a fraud or stupid or whatever it is people. I'm going to be. I'm going to be excluded from the group. You know, I'm not going to fit in. And those are psycho spiritual needs that we have to fit into a group. So that's step one is to become aware of what's going on with the inner parts in the world and be building a relationship with them right there. Allows you to at least become aware of. Who is this board of directors. That's in my mind. And you probably have seen the movie Inside Out. Inside Out. That's what I was thinking. [00:15:44] Speaker A: First thing that I was thinking when you saw it. [00:15:46] Speaker D: Inside out is a children's film that is taking this very powerful concept and bringing it into children's language, which is brilliant. And I'm so happy. So then I don't have to explain it all to my kids. Right. And it's based off of internal family systems, which is the model that I built this off of one of them. And so, yeah, when you become aware, like, wait a second, who's this. Who's this board of directors that I have? Who are these people that are actually activating the ship? At first, it's a little startling because then you ask the really powerful question, well, who am I then? That's a. That's a big question to sit with. Right. But doing that, find out, you know, well, who am I actually? And then. And then what do I want to do? And when you do that, then you have to face the resistance of, wait a minute, I'm not fitting into the group anymore. And that is often the most challenging hurdle, particularly for adolescents. I know that's one of the things. Because at that age, we have to fit in. We have to fit in, and not fitting in is a death. I mean, it's why it's walking in that cafeteria. I gotta find a place to sit. I gotta find a place to sit because it's so hard to be alone. And even the kids that say, I'm comfortable being alone, they often wear the same clothes and listen to the same music to fit into a group. Everyone wants to fit into some sort of group. How did that. How did that address your question? [00:17:06] Speaker B: Great. That brought into mind this weekend we attended a family wedding. [00:17:11] Speaker D: Oh, fun. [00:17:12] Speaker B: It was a lot of fun. [00:17:13] Speaker D: Dominican wedding. [00:17:14] Speaker B: No, it wasn't. Dominican wedding. [00:17:15] Speaker D: They don't have a party. [00:17:16] Speaker B: It was a Jewish wedding. [00:17:17] Speaker D: Oh, they don't have a party too. That's good. [00:17:19] Speaker A: Jewish weddings are good, too. [00:17:20] Speaker B: Yes, yes. And it was a lot of fun. But as you were speaking, it brought the thought of how, you know, the children, they were on the dance floor and just doing all kinds of moves, you know, and you observe the adults and they're more control in their movement. And, you know, when you're a child, you don't put yourself in that box. But as you grow up to be an adolescent, like you said, you have to fit in. And then that's when you start putting yourself in these boxes and having these board of directors in your head telling you this is how you need to be. No, you're not doing this well. You need to change this about yourself. So thank you so much for clarifying. [00:18:01] Speaker D: Yeah, there's a. There's literally a movement called ecstatic dance, which is a somatic based movement to help people heal that social construct. Right. There is to be able to. Yeah, to be able to be able. I guarantee she knows it. It's very powerful. Gabrielle Roth's work, 5Rhythms is what it's. But it's this whole thing about getting on and allowing the. The emotion to Dance through you, to move, to just allow yourself to be free. And it's so powerful. [00:18:28] Speaker B: That's one of the methods that she uses. She promotes movement, and she talks about how healing movement is. [00:18:35] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:18:36] Speaker A: I gotta ask everybody, when you're at a wedding, do you guys get up and dance? How long does it take to get. [00:18:41] Speaker C: Get you up? [00:18:41] Speaker D: I get up right away. [00:18:42] Speaker B: I'm Dominican, so I'm used to dancing since I was a child. [00:18:45] Speaker D: You probably dance really well. [00:18:47] Speaker B: I do. [00:18:48] Speaker D: I do. [00:18:48] Speaker B: I enjoy dancing. [00:18:49] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:18:50] Speaker A: Fantastic, Mark. [00:18:51] Speaker D: I do. I do. I get up and shake it, and I love it. And I have a good time. What I'm working on is I'm good with being goofy and just dancing and being free. One of my dear friends is actually a former professional swing dancer. And I was at his wedding where his wife was a professional ballroom dancer. And so that dance floor had a different rhythm to it. And I said, oh, that's what it can look like if you know what you're doing. And it was beautiful. And so I do, at some point want to learn how to do that, because it's so gorgeous. [00:19:16] Speaker A: I was at a wedding recently, and I got into a dance battle to Billie Jean with the best man at the wedding. [00:19:23] Speaker D: That's a good one. [00:19:23] Speaker A: And we were having a great time. We were pulling out moves that we should have no right to have been able to do. And of course, at the very, very end of said dance battle, I ripped my pants. [00:19:34] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:19:34] Speaker B: Oh, boy. [00:19:35] Speaker D: Always happens. [00:19:36] Speaker A: It always happens. It was worth it, though. It was a fun time. Unfortunately, I had jeans in my suitcase. I ran and grabbed, and then I'm in jeans the rest of the night. [00:19:44] Speaker D: That's funny. [00:19:45] Speaker A: All right, back to you. Sorry about that. [00:19:47] Speaker B: No, this is a lot of fun. Thank you. So can you tell us how this pressure that men built in their heads or even in everyday life, how do they affect the relationship or their children? [00:20:02] Speaker D: Yeah. Oh, very easy. And this is not just men related, but this is who I work with. You hold it in all day, and then you come home and you blow up, you know, and the. The thing that you're blowing up when your kid spills the milk or the kid's not. This always happens. Your kid's not listening to you. Hey, so and so, put your pants on. So and so, you know, do this. I said, right. It's because at work something's going on where they're not getting listened to, or in their marriage, they don't feel respected. [00:20:29] Speaker C: Right. [00:20:30] Speaker D: These are the things that build up. And if that's not processed. It's going to, it's going to leak out. And often it's going to leak out in a power over dynamic where, you know, you, you, you, you put it there. So if you're unhappy in your, in your marriage, you might take it out. Your people, your direct reports. Often what I'll see with, with leaders is they'll really, they're really good at giving orders to the direct reports. They're not very good at communicating with their peers and they're pretty awful at, I call it managing up to their supervisor or if they actually, if they own the company and they have a, or they founded the company, they have a board of directors speaking to them. Right. But they're very good at the power over. And that, that's, that's one thing that I often see right there is that. [00:21:12] Speaker B: Where those hidden reliefs come in. You spoke about, well, processing. [00:21:17] Speaker D: You have to process. [00:21:18] Speaker B: You have to process. But how do they let go of that energy in their own private time? You mentioned pornography. You mentioned. So how do they handle releasing that negative energy in what they think is constructive? [00:21:33] Speaker D: It's getting hot here, so let me know. It's a conversation we're building up. So. Okay, ask it one more time. [00:21:42] Speaker B: How do they release some of that energy that they're taking in all day and putting it into what they think is constructive energy that's going to allow them to let go of the pressure. That's fine. [00:21:54] Speaker D: Good question. [00:21:55] Speaker A: Yeah, please talk about the bad and the good. [00:21:57] Speaker D: Yeah. Yes, exactly. So that's kind of what it is. It's like someone who says, I need to rest and they watch television. You're not resting. Sorry. You're not, not. Sorry. You're not, you're not actually resting because you're the, the screens. Kelvin temperature is at daylight and it's not allowing yourself to your brain to actually. So you're just, you're just numbing. All right. Same thing. Cannabis often does the same thing. Drinking often does the same thing. Any sort of, as far as I know, any sort of drug often does that, unless you're doing more of an intentional plant medicine journey, which we can get into. But a lot of times there's, there's going to be ways in which you think you're processing, but it's actually a numbing agent. So usually it's drinking or drugs or video games. Right. That's still very common. Porn is definitely one where. This is a big reframe for a lot of men because this is not something that's talked about. Make sure I get back to your original question, by the way, because I want to go on a tangent just for a second. There's a cultural norm around masturbating every day. And, you know, like, I rub one out is what. Let me know if this is too offensive. [00:23:03] Speaker B: No, nothing offensive. [00:23:04] Speaker D: At nighttime. [00:23:05] Speaker B: Retire, social worker. I've heard it all. [00:23:07] Speaker D: And at nighttime, they'll pull up porn and they'll ejaculate and then they'll go to sleep. And it's become this sort of norm, almost like they're having a drink before they go to bed. And it's because they're, you know, because what's going on in the brain chemistry and there's value in that. I totally get it. But the reframe is. Is your semen is life force. Right. And there's other schools of thought. Montauk Chi is a great teacher in this, where your semen is. Is. Is your life force. And how do you. And when you. Every day. [00:23:35] Speaker B: You're wasting it. [00:23:36] Speaker D: You're wasting it. You're absolutely wasting it. And so how do you. And what that tells. What that tells me is this is a man who hasn't learned how to really integrate his energy because it's too much for him to hold, because he's not actually processing it. He's not moving it. He's not releasing. So what are some healthier ways to go back to the original question, Right? One would be in a men's group talking about it, literally talking about it. That alone is really powerful. Another would be in men's work. We often will sit and you call it eye gazing, or you just stare at the other man and you say, here are the things I see at you. Here are the things I see. And you just do that back and forth. It's basic mirroring. Mirroring is extremely effective. Being mirrored back is another. Moving the body. Extremely, extremely effective. The Body Keeps a Score is a great book for those who are listening that want to go deeper into it. But our bodies are one form of intelligence. We can't just think and just talk everything. Right. Cognitive is only one line of development. Our somatic intelligence is another thing. So actually moving the body and it could be. And this is where, you know, how does this apply in a more, you know, actionable way for a lot of men? A lot of men do work out. They have some sort of physical practice, but very few are leveraging it in the way in which I'm talking about. And this is a easy habit because in the in the inner authority method, make a move is, is habit forming. So if you're working out already, great, let's habit stack that. Keep your habit or, sorry, keep your keeper habit of working out. But instead of listening to something or watching something and checking out, use it as a way to feel in. Now what do I mean by that? Let's say a lot of times you're doing, let's say squat. You're squatting down, notice. And when you, next time you do your workouts, you know, take a look at this. What are you doing? Say you're doing. You're going for 10 repetitions. What are you doing in the last three? Most people, you push harder and you disassociate. Yes, Right. And you could go, ah, right, which looks cool and sounds good. And I get it. Try the opposite. Slow down, tune in. And I guarantee you what's going to happen is you're going to, you're going to poke the bear. This anger that you're not really allowing to feel is going to come through. And it might come with a yellow or you might just feel, you know, it flow through your body or it often will first release with tears. Right. And you know, the first time I started doing that, I was at a park. My buddy Adam had me do single leg squats, you know, pistol squats. And I'm doing. And he noticed that I was disassociating and he said, no, slow down. And out of nowhere. And this is what often happens for men is like, you get a little shaky, like, what's going on? And then I'm like crying. I go, what's going on? And then I, and then I'm brought back to this memory with my dad. And it was very, very powerful. And I said, what just happened? What just happened? So going back that I think is one of the most effective ways for the Everyman to be able to integrate this type of work that we're talking about is notice what you're doing with your mind when you're working out. Can you be in it more? Can you feel slowed down when the increases? That often is really powerful. [00:27:04] Speaker B: I love those tools and I'm going to implement some of them when I'm doing my workout and not use the earbuds and just see what comes up because it's, it's a new form of healing for me. I know when I practice yoga and we do certain this is when Iris comes into play, because that's what she does. And she's like, oh, you're doing this type of yoga. But I love the yoga where we are, you know, screaming, because it's a way to release different emotions for me. But sitting in the silence, sometimes I have a hard time. Sometimes when we're doing restorative yoga and it's a different environment and the silence, because then that's really when I'm getting deep into my thoughts. And you're right, it's a method to push away, let me, you know, change my thought or shift my body a certain way. That's not going to allow me to feel. [00:27:57] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah. And things. Yoga is. Is. I've been practicing yoga for a long time. Yoga is definitely a powerful practice to do that. The physical movement is. Is the way I see that. That's what it's for. You know, can you hold that posture and be in the moment of it? And oftentimes it's really hard. [00:28:13] Speaker B: That is very difficult for me to do. [00:28:15] Speaker D: Especially when you're doing yin and you're in it for a long time. [00:28:17] Speaker B: Yes. [00:28:18] Speaker D: And the pain increases. That's good stuff. [00:28:22] Speaker B: Well, Mark, what kind of work have you done with adolescence? I know you mentioned that you were an English teacher at Ketchum, and right now I'm working with a young man that I want to help him heal through the journey that he's been through. Can you tell us a little bit how can we help adolescents, males in general? [00:28:44] Speaker D: Yeah, great question. So here's the way. I'll answer two ways. First, I'll say, you know, I do have a series of meditations that are for any age range, particularly once you reach adolescence. Processing your childhood is often very effective. And adolescence is a time where you are meant to go into the dark. You're meant to go into the underworld, you're meant to go into the pain body. Right. Our culture often does the opposite. It pushes kids to do the opposite of that, or they prescribe medication to help avoid that. But my understanding is. And what I've seen, the work I teach is go into it. So there are meditations I've created that help adolescents, you know, go into that inner work. We talked about working with those inner parts, those wounded child. Wounded children within that, you know, had. [00:29:37] Speaker C: Challenging experiences as a kid. And can they go. And this goes into. What I was talking about earlier is fathering yourself. Because we don't. Most. Most men don't have. Didn't have a father role. Can you father yourself? Can we father each other? Can you also father yourself? Can you show up for the young, the younger boy inside of you? So a 15 year old and show up for that 2 year old and show up for that 3 year old and show up for that 5 year old. That's really, really, really powerful. I guess that's the whole answer right there. [00:30:04] Speaker B: Thank you. [00:30:04] Speaker C: Thank you. [00:30:05] Speaker D: And well, I was actually, I'll say. [00:30:07] Speaker C: One more thing, Connor. You don't have kids yet, right? No, not yet. I would say though, you're still a father figure and this is something I often share. Yeah, well, this might be obvious to you, but a lot of men without kids don't think of it like that. But there are a lot of, a lot of kids, particularly, you know, like I said, I taught in the public school system for 10 years and I read their stories. I taught personal narrative for a long time. I read their stories. Dad is not there. Whether it's, you know, whether he's working all day or he's in jail or he in. The family's estranged and he's just not really present. Dad's not there. And this is not uncommon. A great book called the Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell goes deeper into it. So they are looking out just like I did as a kid. Just like maybe you did too. It sounds like you had a great dad, though, from what we were talking about earlier. They're looking out and they're going, okay, that's what a man is supposed to be. That's what a man is supposed to be. That's who I'm going to be like. And so every man is playing a fathering role for the adolescent, especially for the adolescent that needs help. That make sense. [00:31:18] Speaker B: That makes a lot of sense. [00:31:19] Speaker C: And I'll add one more thing that's coming through. So thanks for asking this question is we have a culture of nice. We live in a culture of nice. And I want to be polite. You know what? Polite leads politely to suicide. I'm gonna get real here because if you don't say the thing to someone, and I'm not just saying here, are you okay? That's not what I'm talking. I mean, that's a good start. But I'm also saying, hey, here's what I'm noticing, right? You know, let's connect. This happened to me and I feel called to share it with you. And it might, it might not land all the time, but this culture of nice avoids conflict. It avoids connection. And we do, particularly for adolescent males who are not going to share, hey, I'm hurting today, or, you know, or whatever. They're the ones who are going to need someone to penetrate that. And to say, hey, not sure if. [00:32:13] Speaker D: This is going on for you, but I know when I was at the. [00:32:15] Speaker C: Age, at that age, this is what's happening. And I want you to know I'm here for you. Right. And sit with them in it. Right. Hey, I notice you're, you know, we can get deeper into it, but hey, I noticed these lines over here. You know, whatever it is you're cutting or whatever going on or. Yeah, I noticed my students, you know, the opioid epidemic was huge out here. I think it still is. Why don't you go to the bathroom quite a bit? You know, is everything okay? Let's talk about that. Well, they're taking pills. So how do you actually bridge that conversation? And I'll tell you, most people, most young men, they don't feel defensive, they feel seen. [00:32:50] Speaker B: I was just going to ask you, do they push back and withdraw when you ask those kind of questions? But now that you say, in my. [00:32:58] Speaker C: Experience, yeah, they feel seen. Because the way I see it is it's an outcry. A man who is dealing with alcoholism is, to me, that's another form of, you know, an outcry in Martin Prattel's work. He's Mayan, a guy who I love. He says, if a man is a drunk in the streets or is, you know, a drug addict, that's a man who is grief stricken and he's constipated, he's emotionally constipated. So in his culture, they would all come together and they would support that person to go into the pain body. Talk about how different it is in our culture. It's just the opposite. It's either, here's a pill, or let's just not talk about it. [00:33:41] Speaker B: Let's sweep it under the rug and it might go away. [00:33:43] Speaker C: Yeah. And then these statistics come out where my understanding, you know, look this up, but I believe it's 70% of successful suicides are young men. Yeah. [00:33:53] Speaker A: You know, as somebody prior to going. [00:33:56] Speaker C: To therapy and, you know, going through my journey of it as well, I. [00:34:02] Speaker A: Remember I was definitely one that was, yeah. Sending out cries for help through my actions rather than through my words. I wanted somebody to pick up on the signs rather than me verbalize it. I'd rather have somebody be like, hey. [00:34:20] Speaker C: You'Re kind of acting a little weird. Is that all right? [00:34:22] Speaker A: And then I'm okay to talk about it. Talking about permissions before, I wanted that a lot more than I could just simply say it myself. Speaking from my perspective at least, because. [00:34:37] Speaker C: I always felt like a Burden for actually coming straight out with it. [00:34:43] Speaker A: I remember that a lot in high school. I remember that a lot in early college. That's something I've really had to work on myself. [00:34:50] Speaker C: And I think that's something that's key with a lot of men growing up from, like, kids that I had in. [00:34:58] Speaker A: Camp to, you know, friends of mine. [00:35:01] Speaker C: Today, it's a big thing. Yeah. Thank you. [00:35:05] Speaker B: Thank you. So you also developed, and I want to say correctly. So I'm going to look at my notes here. [00:35:11] Speaker C: Sure. [00:35:12] Speaker B: Awakening the Father King program. [00:35:14] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:35:15] Speaker B: What is that all about? And how do men receive that information? [00:35:19] Speaker C: Yeah. Awaken the Father King. Yeah. It's Lord of the Rings. Yeah. Well, it's a course I created, and the intention of the course is to help break generational trauma because we pass things on to our kids, and they're the. We pass on our burdens. Whether that's, you know, a money burden about this is, you know, we worry about money and we're money worriers, or it's rape, you know, or aggression or, you know, there's a whole list of things. So Awaken the Father King is a model that I created. It's a course, and you can go to thefatherking.com to check it out. And it's a series of meditations and exercises to help one go inside, do the inner work that allows them to stop the patterns that are no longer serving them. And how you do that is you find the parts within you that are holding these beliefs that are not actually serving you, and you father those parts, and then they let go of those burdens, and then they reclaim the traits that they want to have. So let's use the money one, which seems to be very popular. [00:36:23] Speaker B: Yes. [00:36:24] Speaker C: Right. And so they have these beliefs around, well, if I'm. If I'm wealthy, I'm a bad person. That's a very common one. Yes, it is. Okay, if I'm. And it sounds really silly when we kind of talk about it at this level, but when you go inside the cell, beliefs are formed. They're often these very plain statements that hold a lot of weight that we learn in through our developmental upbringing. So. And it could be simple as simply as saying, oh, that rich person is, you know, scumbag, or all politicians are evil. These phrases land on kids. Right. Or you see your. Your family, you know, going paycheck to paycheck. Right. And so, again, going with the sticking within the herd. If you all of a sudden get really wealthy or if money comes your way without Doing this type of work, your relationship with it is going to be, I can't be wealthy because then I'm not my family. And if I'm not my family, that's unsafe. You see where I'm going here? So you go in, you do this inner work, you find those, but say, actually it's not. Let's meet Those young, whether 2 year old or 1 year old or 5 year old, and say, money is actually a tool for abundance. And abundance means you have power and power means you can do great things. And all of a sudden the kids like, wait, what? And that changes inside where all of a sudden you're able to be okay with receiving abundance and having that money and then your kids are going to learn that that's okay. And that money burden, you know, that generational trauma around money is no longer. It's no longer. Yeah, we're able to break it down and that's fantastic. [00:38:05] Speaker A: We are getting towards the end of our interview, so I'll let you finish. [00:38:10] Speaker C: Things up in a second. [00:38:11] Speaker A: But I just want to make sure. [00:38:12] Speaker C: It'S clear to our listeners where can. [00:38:14] Speaker A: People find more of your programs yourself. [00:38:17] Speaker C: And the things that you've created and are preaching out there? Yeah, yeah, thanks. So, you know, my main website right now is where it hosts my courses. If you're on Insight Timer, I have a following on there and all my meditations there are. Well, most are free. And then I think for a small fee for Insight Timer, you can get access to those. You actually get access to my courses there too. Or if you want to download them and have access to all the PDFs and all the exercises go to my website, which I'm sure will be in the show notes, but it's my full name with my middle name. So. Mark W Kuay M A R K W G U A Y.me Perfect. Thank you, Yvette. I'll leave it up to you to close things in. [00:38:55] Speaker B: Thank you, Connor. Well, we're coming to the conclusion of our show. Do you want to share anything that perhaps we didn't ask? [00:39:02] Speaker C: Mark? Yeah, sure. Well, I'll talk about is this is, you know, work life balance is, is kind of a misnomer, you know, and a lot of times, you know, like I said, maybe this wasn't brought up in the show, but my life is really interesting for, to me because I'll be, you know, at a sweat lodge doing some men's work with, with people in one, in one day doing some integration for maybe a psychedelic ceremony. And then the next day, I'll be down at Goldman Sachs working with executives. And to me, I see such correlation between what's going on in both worlds. And I'd like to make that note that what's going on, the ways in which you're showing up at work, the derailers, that the behaviors that you're doing that are not serving your leadership are affecting the ways in which you're not serving your kids, you're not really showing up in your marriage, you're not showing up to your community. So it all interrelates. [00:40:00] Speaker B: Thank you so much for that. Well, I'm going to conclude our show and give a shout out to our sponsor, Andrew o'. Grady. We're always so grateful for supporting our show. And everybody have a great afternoon. [00:40:16] Speaker C: Yeah, thanks for having me. This would be great. [00:40:19] Speaker A: This podcast is brought to you by MHA of Dutchess county and produced by CMJW Entertainment. [00:40:25] Speaker B: Sam.